The Horrific Universe

Laplace’s Demon haunts me.

This demon was conjured into existence by a Frenchman to show the deterministic nature of the world. It knows all of the locations of all the smallest particles, it knows of all the laws of physics, and it has godly powers of calculation. The demon can work forward or backward from his knowledge of the state of things, because the universe is mechanistic and deterministic.

If you prefer a more modern example, this is Devs, from that show, Devs. That show concerns a quantum computing giant, Amaya, and a secretive team that creates a computerized incantation of the Demon. In one memorable scene, the Devs team tunes their machine one second into their future. They see themselves watching themselves, repeating their own actions from the screen as a creeping horror dawns over them. “Uh-oh,” concludes one of the programmers.

Another example is from Ted Chiang’s Exhalation, a delightful collection of mind-bending short stories. In “What is Expected of Us”, there exists a small device called a ‘Predictor’. It has one button and a light that flashes green. You press the button and the light flashes green. But due to some timey-wimey wibbly-wobbliness, the light flashes green one second before you press the button. Despite the best effort of those who play with the device, the light flashes green, and the button is always pressed. It must be pressed.  

Both of these science fiction scenarios and Laplace’s Demon are meant to show that the world is, in essence, understandable; predictable. If we had perfect knowledge, we would be able to make perfect predictions forward or backward, rewinding the tape to the Big Bang or fast-forwarding it to the heat death of the universe. And being trapped on that roller coaster causes a unique kind of horror to the human mind. Many people in the scientific, materialist West will agree that there is no place for free will in the systems as we understand them. But nobody can live that way. We deny that reality, or maybe more accurately, our brain protects us from that knowledge by forgetting about it, hiding it with an incredibly effective illusion of free will from within our subjective experience. It is something we can understand intellectually, but we do not confront it viscerally. Indeed, in Chiang’s short story, when the Predictor forces such a visceral confrontation, something like a third of the users fall into a waking coma:

“Before people started playing with Predictors, akinetic mutism was very rare, a result of damage to the anterior cingulate region of the brain. Now it spreads like a cognitive plague. People used to speculate about a thought that destroys the thinker, some unspeakable Lovecraftian horror, or a Gödel sentence that crashes the human logical system. It turns out that the disabling thought is one that we've all encountered: the idea that free will doesn't exist. It just wasn't harmful until you believed it.” – Ted Chiang, “What is Expected of Us”

All of these stories highlight the horror of perfect prediction of an understandable universe, and they are all worth puzzling over and reckoning with. But as we all know, I am not good at prediction, and lately I have been wondering about something else. What about the horror of not being able to predict anything at all? Enter another science fiction luminary, Cixin Liu, and The Three Body Problem.

The Three Body Problem starts with a mystery: all over the world, scientists have begun killing themselves. It seems as though they have reached the limits of their science and see that it is impossible to move forward, and have, in despair, taken their own lives. The titular three-body problem is central: it is possible – trivial, even – to predict a system with two variables. We can easily chart the path of the Sun and the Earth. But when even just one more variable is introduced, the system becomes chaotic, it becomes impossible to predict.

I thought this was one of the coolest science fiction concepts I had ever encountered. Imagine, a group of the smartest people on the planet, determined to understand the world, only to come face-to-face with the realization that they cannot understand or solve a problem with three variables. Like the Predictor but in the opposite direction: instead of viscerally understanding that your world is understandable, you come to understand that the world cannot be understood, and that any attempts to do so are folly. And similar to the Predictor’s akinetic mutism, the realization was a cognitive hazard, and a terminal one.

Now, I didn’t love where the novel went with this – it ends up being aliens with super advanced technology that makes all scientific progress impossible, rather than the impossibility of understanding being baked into the nature of reality. I think that this was kind of lame. It turned what I thought was a fascinating philosophical thriller into a fairly bog-standard First Contact story. Now, Cixin Liu is one of the world’s best sci fi writers and I’m just a chump with a blog, so who’s to say what was right or wrong. But the set up, and the idea of investigating the universe only to discover how dreadful it is – that has always stuck with me.

Maybe it has to do with my education. At Santa Clara University, I took a class on Nietzsche with Dr. Philip J. Kain, several years after he published Nietzsche and the Horror of Existence. And look, I am not going to talk a lot about Nietzsche. I am sorry, Dr. Kain, I don’t love Nietzsche all that much and never really did[1]. I jettisoned a lot it as soon as I passed the class. But there was one idea that, like the set up from The Three Body Problem, has stayed with me for a long time. What I remember most from these classes was Dr. Kain’s insistence that key to understanding Nietzsche was the understanding of the Horrific Cosmos.

Nietzsche, Dr. Kain asserted, lived in a Horrific Cosmos. To understand what that means, it may help to contrast it with other potential types of cosmos (cosmes?): the Ordered Cosmos and the Perfectible Cosmos.

The Ordered Cosmos is a world that is built for us. It was meant for us to live in it, to thrive, to understand it and ourselves.  God created the universe for his beloved children, so that we could come to know our world, ourselves, and our Creator. We fit in this Cosmos like a jigsaw piece into a larger puzzle, and it makes a beautiful picture. This is, to my mind, baby-brained shit. There is no evidence to support it and overwhelming evidence against it. The sun gives us cancer. If this was created for us, it was by a dipshit god[2].

So maybe it is a Perfectible Cosmos. It is a Cosmos that is maybe not made for us, but it is a universe that we are able to understand. It follows certain predictable and comprehensible rules. Through diligent study and practice, we can come to some degree of knowledge of the workings of the universe, and we can make ourselves a home in this universe. To me, this is plausible, if a bit underwhelming. Goldilocks-ass, middle of the road understanding of the universe. Boring. Bring me something interesting. Something spooky. Bring me a Horrific Universe.

The Horrific Universe is a universe that is indifferent or outright hostile to humanities place in it. It cannot be understood by our feeble intellects, and we are deluding ourselves when we even attempt to try. We are not meant for this universe, we are simply an accident of probability with no greater meaning or purpose. Humanity will die trembling on a rock floating in a vast emptiness and nothing and nobody will notice. Our crude monkey minds are not up to the challenge of changing the universe and making it anything but a yawning cosmic void. Any progress we make is illusory, and if it looks like there is progress it is only an artifact of our limited perspective; it is only because we are too small and stupid to realize how big and indifferent and weird the Cosmos actually is.

When Dr. Kain told us about the Horrific Cosmos, I understood it immediately: It’s “The Call of Cthulhu.”

“The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.” – H.P. Lovecraft, “The Call of Cthulhu”

So goes one of the hardest openings in all of fiction. And honestly, I can’t explain it any better than that. You don’t even need inscrutable Eldritch Gods to make it horrifying[3], the idea alone is enough to send shivers up my spine. We think of trying to understand our world as inherently noble and fulfilling, an end in itself. The Horrific Universe turns that on its head – what if, in learning about the true nature of reality, we learn the despairing truth of our limitations? What if we can’t understand the universe? What if what we learn is something we shouldn’t?

I don’t know if we live in a Horrific Cosmos or a Perfectible one. I am pretty certain we do not live in an Ordered Universe. We began this exploration with Laplace’s Demon and the horror of things being perfectly explainable, and predictable. It is also possible that the cosmos is a vast, yowling monster, where nothing can be learned, or at least, nothing good. Which of those frightens you more? Is the tyranny of order preferable to a chaotic indifference? I know which one keeps me up at night, looking up at the stars, searching for an answer I shouldn’t be trying to find.


[1] I’m into philosophy but not that kind of edgelord philosophy. I like earnest, sappy shit like virtue ethics.

[2] ‘Dipshit God’ is also a top-notch thought experiment, but that’s a subject for another paper, I think.

[3] Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy that the horrible eldritch things are there, too. I can get down. Give me a big old smooch with those tentacle lips baby.

Other Worlds

“Have you guys heard about the two major Japanese religions yet?” our tour guide Daniel asked the group.

 

I cannot resist a trivia question or an opportunity to look learned in front of strangers, so Shinto and Buddhism! jumped to my mind and then through my mouth. We’d been in Japan for 10 days, seen its many shrines and temples – shrines for Shinto, temples for Buddhism. We had bowed at the torii gates and performed our doubled claps and bows; we’d bathed in incense and thrown coins to statues of monks. I felt reasonably confident that the two major Japanese religions were Shinto and Buddhism.

 

So I was as confused as the look Daniel gave me when he cocked his head and said, “What? No… The two major Japanese religions are working and drinking. ‘Shinto’, you said? Never heard of it.” Big laughs, all around. The Hungry Osaka Tour was a hit, and I highly recommend them.

 

We’d done a lot of walking tours in Japan. In Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka. No better way to see a city than by foot. Though, in Japan, ‘by foot’ is an expansive concept. Through an application and a digital ‘Suica’ card on my phone’s wallet, we could seamlessly move into and through a world-class railway system. We were terrified of the thought of this before our trip. In America – if subways exist – the cultural connotations of subways are the scary places where you come into contact with the dreaded public; a public which is unhoused and unwell. Japan was… not that. Fast, frequent public transit delivered in clean stations with plenty of art that were a joy to be in. I am become train-pilled. The Shinkansen helped. We rocketed along from Tokyo to Osaka and back. We toured with guides and took the pictures and made the memories. Nothing too crazy. Standard gaijin’s first Japan trip. It was as magical as you think it was. Or, if you have been, as magical as you remember it being.

 

I have been to Japan now. And as you might expect, I can’t shut the fuck up about it. I am prepared to make ‘white guy been to Japan once’ my whole personality. This is who I am now. Japan guy. Moshi-moshi. And while I have so much to talk about, there’s one thing that has been on my mind: it felt like slipping into another world where better things were possible.

 

“You’re not depressed, you’re just in America.”

 

Japan is a completely different culture. Did you guys know they use chopsticks there? I am not trying to do orientalism or romanticize the Japanese. Their culture, like all cultures, has its problems. “Why is there a women’s only train car?” was an awkward question for Daniel to explain to some others on the tour. But what I am saying is this: I got to see a different culture, with a different history, that values different things, and that made different decisions about how to create their world.

 

And spending time in that world – a world organized around communal spaces, shared and effective public transit, and dignity in work and living wages for all – that was a revelation.

 

Japan is a world organized around communal spaces. There was art and nature woven into the experience of Japan. Even in the most bustling cityscapes of Tokyo and Osaka, we would stumble across parks, shrines, temples, museums – little oases of sacred spaces in the profane bustle of the metropolis. The Japanese love parks, Daniel explained, on account of how they spend all winter in tiny apartments. When the weather allows, they cascade out into the parks, flooding it with picnics and small gatherings.

 

Did I mention the trains? Look, I am an American. I get in my air-conditioned car and drive to my air-conditioned work or my air-conditioned gym and then back to my air-conditioned house. It is a very different experience of the world than moving with your feet, in and amongst people. Being in the mass of Tokyo was a deeply sonder-inducing experience. I was struck by the sense that all of these people had unique lives and trajectories. I saw so many faces and emotions, people with their pets and books and cute outfits. You feel that as you move in and through public transit that works. Driving feels so impersonal, is so draining on the nervous system, and induces so much rage and anxiety. Being in public transit felt like being part of humanity and made moving through the world a much more pleasant experience. You know what rules? Not parking anywhere. And when you don’t have to account for parking, things become denser and more walkable. It felt like freedom. Freedom is an environment designed for human flourishing.

 

Freedom is also being in a crowd and not wondering if you’re part of a ‘target-rich environment’. Guns and mass shootings are part of the American psyche and experience. Crowds aren’t safe, or rather, there’s always the potential they won’t be safe. Where won’t shootings happen in America? It’s like there’s this uniquely American natural disaster that just… doesn’t affect other places. “No Way To Prevent This,” Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens. The same way Japanese people seem to think a lot about tsunamis. We saw tons of evacuation signage and communication for emergency community gathering points. It felt like people were looking out for you. Like you were part of a society, rather than an individual. You could be with people without worrying that there would be some crazy person with a gun. Some unhoused person we’ve pushed into social death that we must hurry past as we move from private space to private space. It’s not safe out there. Maybe you should have a gun. Do you have your situational awareness, are you sufficiently anxious and alert to everything and everyone? I was surprised by how many of my default American systems calmed and how pleasant the experience of being in the city was.

 

Another thing I noticed: the dignity of work and the professionalism we saw in everything. It seemed almost as though everything and everyone was built for purpose and took their one job seriously. From restaurants to cabs to stores, we saw people doing specific jobs well, and people had livable wages. We saw millions of people and could count the homeless on one hand. I am sure that it’s more complicated than all that, and it seemed like there were a lot of things going on. Everything is high density housing. Food was cheap, plentiful, and nourishing. Like I said earlier, there was a sense of the community. In America, we have to make it on our own, and nobody is going to help you. You can’t have a shitty job, because then you won’t have healthcare, housing is most of people’s paychecks, being unhoused is like a loaded gun pointed to your head, and our cheap food is poison that kills you. Again, not trying to be all “weeaboo” about this, I know Japan has problems. I recall the First Major Japanese Religion, Working. The Salaryman culture seems problematic to me. But I am just trying to tell you what this other world felt like to me. It felt like people’s more basic needs were taken care of, allowing everyone a place to start from where they had the potential to thrive. That they could thrive because of their society rather than in spite of it.

 

 You know how it made me feel? It made me feel like we are getting fucking robbed.  

 

Maybe I should explain. We all find ourselves thrown into a particular time and place. History and context matters a lot. And we found ourselves in Japan in April 2026: One year into the Second Trump Regime, two months into an evil and illegal war we launched against Iran, and weeks away from Tax Day.

 

Now look – I don’t mind paying taxes. I have been lucky, my success is not my own, it is built on the infrastructure and work that society has provided for me. I feel good, generally speaking, about the fact that I contribute to the public coffers. But this year is different. Donald Trump and the DOGE boys have spent the last year dismantling anything and everything that I would have been proud to contribute to. No money for science, or the arts, or for hungry kids. Maximum money for bombs and bailouts for their Argentinian libertarian friends. We ‘fed US AID into the wood chipper’ – destroyed the $34 billion of good work and soft power, only to send $40 billion to the weird Argentinian chainsaw guy. So while I am usually pro-taxes, this year felt very different. While it used to be kind of possible to feel sort of good about funding American society, that was no longer the case. What do we get with all that we pay for? The way the Republicans tried to police citizenship, you’d think it came with benefits or something. We get nothing, and we’re told to like it. What are you, unpatriotic? Or worse, a socialist?

 

 We have infinite money for murder, but no money for life. Every year of my life, for as long as I have been alive, we have invested billions and billions of dollars in weapons. And what does it get us, what can it do for us? How valuable has all of that strength been against Iran as we take a historic L? We huffed and puffed and incinerated children. We made fire stream through the streets of Tehran and unleashed a black cloud of toxic rain. To what end?

 

We were in Hakone when Donald Trump threatened to wipe an entire civilization off the map, never to return. By that time, we had been to the museums, had seen Japanese art and treasure spanning back thousands of years. I wondered about the cradle of civilization and how many priceless Persian artifacts existed, and whether they might disappear into the nuclear vapor of a mushroom cloud. As we walked in the shadow of Mount Fuji, along the banks of Lake Ashi, I thought about the world’s rising temperature and the burning petrochemicals of ruined facilities in the Middle East. The world’s longest running continual record of climate change comes from Japan. For 1,200 years, monks have catalogued the Sakura season, the magnificent and majestic blooming of the cherry blossoms. The monks, like everyone else who is paying attention, have noticed the climate change.

 

So against this backdrop I experienced Japan. It made for a psychedelic experience. And like any trip, I have come back with reflections on myself and my culture. They are scattered and disjointed, and like all psychedelic knowledge, it is difficult to impart to someone who didn’t experience it. I have to try, nonetheless, to explain what I feel after.

 

America is a profoundly sick and misguided culture, and it was easier to spot this from Japan, where they have made different and frankly better choices. I got to look at the Empire from its Imperial Periphery. I wondered how many of the Japanese I saw would be impacted by the whims of Donald Trump and his cabal of billionaire pedophiles. And it made me mad that these people have so much money and power. We could tax them and remove their economic power. We could have a real democracy and break up their political power. And we could have nice things in this country. It is possible for all of us to have food and healthcare and education. It just means that we have to tax the wealthy and corporations so that all of us can meet our basic needs. And when we do that, we can unleash a flourishing of human potential. I saw so many craftsmen and artisans in Japan, and it is because they can have a living wage on a small salary, because their society provides for them.

 

That is Not America. But it could be. Other worlds are possible – ours is not the only way to be. They say that travel is like therapy – it forces you to confront that the way you are living is not the only possible way to live. In therapy, they try to accomplish this with words and concepts to break your normal mental framework. Travel works more directly with experiences, felt and visceral. I will remember the way I felt in Japan for the rest of my life, and how that compares with how I feel in the United States.

 

To close this piece, I want to reflect on some of the reasons why I think America is like this. Individualism over community comes to mind. In America, we pride ourselves on rugged individualism and lifting ourselves up by our bootstraps. We’re a nation of Self-Made Men (it is usually Men). We think of ourselves as being, rather than interbeing. Atoms rather than molecules. I was raised this way, but the older I get the more bizarre this seems to me. No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. I am not me without you, because it is through dialogue with you that I discover myself. Self and Other are one.

 

Another reason is unrestrained capitalism. If we are part of a community and we have responsibilities and obligations toward each other, well, then we have to do something about the health of the community. We’d need shared resources. And that would make it harder for Donald Trump to give himself and his rich friends tax cuts. When I saw ‘we are being robbed’ – this is by whom. We are robbed several times over – once when we lose the public goods they privatize, again when we pay private providers for what should have been public goods, and thrice when we consider the loss of human potential, all the money we have left on the table by not adequately using the full measure of people’s talents – talents that they could have discovered and made use of with more robust social safety nets[1].

 

Another reason? Cars! I mentioned how Japan’s train system radicalized me. I took the trains like autistic people take to, well, trains. Cars have created a dystopian environment that alienates us from our world and our neighbors. I have experienced a walkable city with robust, efficient public transit. It is so much better as a lived environment. Tokyo is dense, walkable, infinitely explorable. America is not. We saw children navigate Tokyo – my wife and I would spot one and cry ‘Old Enough!’ Kids in America cannot walk anywhere. They will get hit by trucks the size of tanks that never saw them under their bumpers. It made me really reflect on our car-centric environment and how toxic it is. As mentioned earlier, there is a fundamentally different shape to experiencing the world on foot and with others, opposed to and against being in my single-user automobile. In my car I scream and I swear at the morons and idiots on the road. On foot, I smiled at a lot of strangers, strangers with whom I shared an environment and an experience.

 

And finally – the racism. Why can’t America have nice things like Japan does? Because then Black people might use them. Again, don’t get me wrong – I do not harbor any illusions about Japan as a land of racial peace and harmony. I watched Japanese MMA; I remember how they treated Bob Sapp. I know Japan is xenophobic. I know how they treat gaijin vs Nihonjin. But you cannot look at America in the Year of our Lord 2026 - where Republicans move to resegregate society and bring back Jim Crow – and tell me that racism isn’t the problem here. Why don’t we have good public education? Why can’t we have nice public transit? Well, because some of them might use it, and then what would happen? They could end up *gasp* in the wrong part of town, where they don’t belong. This whole goddamn country can be explained by Drained Pool Politics. In a 1971 case, Palmer v. Thompson, Black residents of Jackson, Mississippi sued their government. Jackson was ordered to desegregate their public pools. Instead, they drained them. If black people were going to be considered part of the public, then the public wasn’t going to get anything at all. So it goes in America.

 

It is cheaper to house people than to let them be homeless; cheaper to care for them than to let them fall sick; a better investment to educate them than to leave them in ignorance. We do not do so, because of racism and capitalism. We are so fearful that the ‘undeserving poor’ will get some benefits that we run programs which spend more on administration than services. And you know who they mean when they think of the undeserving poor, right? Besides, if we helped the poor meet their basic needs, how would we be able to threaten the American worker? How would we force them into precarious and exploitable work conditions? Time and time again, we cut off our noses to spite our own faces. And it has never been clearer to me than when I went to a place that wasn’t like that.

 

I mentioned the historical context of my Japan trip earlier, but I left out one key other happening: the Artemis II moon mission. I saw a diverse group of experts in their field accomplish something incredible for humanity. Pictures of the Earth rising over the moon moved me to tears. We share this one planet, and it has so much. We exist in a vast stretch of nothingness beyond what is comprehensible. I saw Soviet space propaganda once. It has always stuck with me. It had a cosmonaut in the night sky, searching for God in the inky blackness, with the words “БОГА НЕТ!" – “There is no god”.

“БОГА НЕТ!" – “There is no god”.

 

I agree with them. There is no higher power in the sky waiting for us. What we find when we go up there is our shared humanity – how small and fragile and contingent our existence is. Out there in the void, it is only us. Us and the choices we make. The only justice is here and now, the only paradise the one we build here together. It can and should include all of us. Better worlds are possible. We just have to make different choices.



[1] I always think of Conor McGregor. While now a controversial figure, there was a time when Conor McGregor was naught but a young MMA fighter on the Irish dole. That welfare program let him chase his dream, and the Irish government has more than made up for its investment in the welfare of its people.

Ovis Canadensis

There are not often

Rocky Mountain Big Horned Sheep

On the drive to my Father’s house.

 

I am caring for his cat, while he is out of town

Caring for his sister.

And so twice daily, I make the trip across the foothills

To the base of the craggy and pine-waved mountain he lives under.

 

I take the long way, because while

There are not often

Rocky Mountain Big Horned Sheep

On the drive to my Father’s house

 

A few blessed days,

You will see them.

Under a sail of red rocks jutting from the hills,

A flock of them, walking their intentional steps on uneven surfaces

Grazing in the sunrise.

 

And when you see them, I hope that you,

As I did,

Will activate the hazard lights and pull to the side of the road,

As if arrested by the sight.

 

I hope you will get out of the car and wave wildly to the other drivers.

I hope you will point and shout and gesticulate franticly toward these divine beasts,

Like some mad prophet of the Ovine.

 

Many will not stop or see.

Many will seem merely confused.

 

But some will pull to the side of the road to look with you.

 

How lovely it is to have taken the scenic route

And to have seen and shared this morning with

The Rocky Mountain Big Horned Sheep,

Who are often not there.

You Can't Let It Die With You

For a long time, I’ve had a writing prompt sitting my desktop.

 

My writing process isn’t much to speak of. Ideas I have usually start when whatever improbable spark in my dumb brain-meat conjures forth things like “euthanasia coaster death penalty ethics”[1] or “Are foot fetishes rational because feet are everywhere?”

 

Frequently my writing prompts come from people smarter than me: Anthony De Mello, Seneca, Aesop Rock. I read things they say, and I try to reflect on them. I wrestle with the ideas as best I can. One of the lovely things about writing is that it offers an excellent avenue to talk to oneself; Writing helps to clarify and to bring forward understanding. English teachers assign essays for a reason.

 

When I am done writing, I post my work for the public to see – that’s basically all my website here is for. I do this because I don’t think most people will read Karl Rahner. I don’t think everyone will have the opportunity to sink hours into Frederic Gros’ examination of security principles. And because most people won’t experience these things, where the experiences or the ideas are worthwhile, I feel like I have an obligation to share, to discuss, and – with humility – to explain and to teach.

 

That basic idea was the prompt of one of my dumb brain sparks – the simple summary phrase: “You can’t let it die with you.” 

 

To teach and to share is a moral imperative. Life is short, time is fleeting, and knowledge is hard-earned. Human beings are born knowing nothing. They must learn everything through experience or study. Knowledge doesn’t spring ex nihilo – it is gradually created.  Sure, humans have some innate knowledge, but my point is more this – all the cool stuff is learned. Nobody knows a priori how to pray or to paint, or do karate, or write music. These learned skills are what I’m interested in here.

 

And when you figure out something difficult - what Plato was talking about in his dialogues, how to throw a left hook, how to cook something delicious for your family – you really should pass it on as best you can. Someone taught it to you, and you should share it with other people. Knowledge is its own evangelical mission.

 

This is how humanity gradually learns. Humanity is a super-organism, a web of people and shared, accumulated knowledge. You are the recipient of a great, intricate chain of knowledge, an ancestral birthright passed down through the eons, passed down to you for safekeeping. You must care for it and add your own links to it. You must share your thoughts, your wisdom, your experiences. You must never break the chain. You must teach what you know. You can’t let it die with you.

 

So that was the prompt on my desktop. For a long while, it sat blank. Then, someone died.

 

I won’t say much here; it isn’t the venue, and it wouldn’t be appropriate. What I will say is that she was a teacher, and she didn’t let what she knew die with her. She lived the lesson of her life, and she inspired a lot of people.

 

And now the prompt isn’t blank. That’s its own lesson. All of this is time-bound with uncertain limits. You need to do it now.

 

I would also like to add that your life is the best lesson. My friend taught me things about martial arts, but the bigger things were in how she lived her life. As such, this call to teaching is also a calling to live your best, highest life by being your authentic self and sharing yourself with vulnerability. I bet you’ve learned a lot of hard lessons in your life. Places where existence has cut you deep, where you’ve earned wisdom from putting your hand on the metaphorical stove. Addiction that ravages the soul, healing from trauma, how you’ve gotten through the worst day of your life. There is something there. And where you’ve learned the most, your obligation to teach is the greatest. I’ll leave you to ponder what this means for your life and your most authentic, vulnerable self.

 

So too, your responsibility to teach increases the more specialized your knowledge is. If you understand microbiology, like my sister does, you have a duty to explain about it to your dummy little brother when he asks questions about mitosis and meiosis. If you are an engineer, you need to share your engineering skills with the world. I have more than ten years of Krav Maga experience, and that means I have a responsibility to be a good training partner who passes on lessons about what I’ve learned about that martial art. The deeper your knowledge in the weirder or harder the subject, the more duty you have to pass on the knowledge. If you don’t, who will?

 

I hope you’ll take something from this. I hope you’ll take something you have and give it forward. Share something personal about you that can help someone through difficult times. Participate in the great chain of knowledge. I strongly suspect these practices contribute to a more meaningful life. People will remember you and your lessons.

 

Don’t let it die with you.

[1] Can you kill guilty people via deadly roller coaster and are methods of execution more acceptable the more whimsical they are?

On The Mouse In My Sink

As I was passing through my kitchen, I heard a skittering. This concerned me, because nothing good skitters. We’re programmed to dislike skittering things. So that explains why, even though I am quite brave and manly, I startled and squealed when I found the small mouse who had fallen into our sink. The tiny gray comet bounced and leaped around, trying to escape this makeshift oubliette it had found itself in. It could not reach the lip of the sink, and so it hurtled about fruitlessly.

 

This poor creature had been going about its life, exploring peacefully, when he tumbled ass over teakettle into something beyond his comprehension. He was now stuck in a place that would be fatal for him, thrashing against capricious circumstances in vain. And as he struggled, he was watched by a massive and alien intelligence, albeit one that yelps in terror.

 

Watching the mouse, I felt a spiritual connection with a kindred life form. I wondered how many times I had fallen down my own deep, dark pits. Which of these would I be unable to extricate myself from, no matter how much I flailed? What landscape will I fail to navigate? Would I be watched by some other, alien intelligence, and if so, how would it regard me? Perhaps with the same mix of sympathy and mild revulsion I had for the rodent in my sink.

 

I called my fiancé to help. While I am of course quite brave and manly, she isn’t, so she needed the practice dealing with things like this. I supervised. From across the room. Between the cracks in my fingers with my hand over my face. She deftly captured him with an upside-down glass and a spatula. Carefully, gingerly, she moved the mouse outside. He was free, delivered. 

 

Maybe someday, we all will be. When we can’t find our way out of our sinks, might some benevolent force lift us up, rodents though we may be.

Running in the Garden of the Gods

There’s something so reassuring

About leaving my footfalls next to eternity

 

After a long day hunched over a computer

Having arguments that won’t matter in a week

About technology that will be obsolete in a year.

 

How expansive it feels, then, to be so small beneath

Scenery so indifferent.

 

Hogbacks red as God’s brick

Scattered at the foot of America’s Mountain

The Purple Mountain’s Majesty we’ve all heard so much tell about.

 

The Utes called it Tava

The Sun Mountain

 

The rocks don’t care what we call them.

They were here first.

They’ll be here last.

 

I move at a pace as tectonic as the geography.

One lumbering step at a time.

Doing  my decay management.

Huffing and puffing.

Fighting the ravages of time.

 

It’s a losing battle.

 

I have but an instant here

And the promontories I pace beneath

Won’t notice when I’m gone.

 

But it’s worth it.

The work has its own reward

 

And maybe good health can expand the blink of my existence

Give me a few more days

 

To wonder about the scale of things

Under a Western sky.